For every three billion pieces of spam and really bad forwards from supposedly good friends, something truly worthwhile shows up on e-mail.
A case in point is the following piece from Newsweek magazine online by the brilliant U.S.
humorist and satirist Andy Borowitz -- who has also written columns on King Kong and Jennifer Aniston as Hollywood's latest power couple, George Bush's claim that Saddam Hussein is poisoning U.S. spinach, and the Kentucky Derby winner launching his own line of celebrity fragrance.
Here, he reports on the FAA's latest antiterrorism initiative:
"In a move aimed at further tightening airport security, the Federal Aviation Administration announced today that it would ban all people from flights leaving or entering the United States, effective immediately.
"The FAA, which has in the past banned such objects as toenail clippers and hair gel, took the extraordinary step of banning people after the Department of Homeland Security conducted a thorough investigation of previous terror plots.
"'We looked at terror plots of the past, and in each and every case, people were involved,' said Homeland Security Secretary Michael Chertoff at a Washington press briefing.
'These new rules send the strong message that the FAA has zero tolerance for people.'
"Chertoff said that while banning liquids from flights was a constructive step, the only true solution was to ban people altogether.
'Let's face it, hair gel doesn't kill people,' he said.
'People kill people.'
"The Homeland Security secretary acknowledged that the new rules would curtail Americans' ability to travel, but added, 'On the plus side, that will make them easier for us to spy on.'
"The FAA's ban on people on board flights raised questions for the nation's airlines, which must now ponder what, if anything, their airplanes will be carrying.
"But Davis Logsdon, who studies the airline industry at the University of Minnesota, said that the FAA's crackdown on people could be a 'win-win' for the airlines: 'Maybe if the airlines don't have people to worry about, they can finally concentrate on getting our luggage to the right destination.'
A new kind of AvGas?
According to no less eminent a news source than Associated Press, an American Airlines flight from Washington was forced to make an emergency landing early this week after a passenger cut the cheese.
In a misguided effort to mask the potency of the ensuing aroma, she further polluted the atmosphere by lighting a number of matches, which permeated the cabin with the alarming smell of burning sulphur, among other things.
The Dallas-bound flight was diverted to Nashville where all 99 passengers and five crew were removed from the aircraft while it was searched and the luggage screened.
The inspection turned up spent matches in one of the seats.
Under questioning by the FBI, the passenger admitted to the olfactory assault, saying she lit the matches to disguise her inflight flatulence. Unfortunately, she didn't count on a pilot sufficiently concerned about the smell to put the plane down pronto.
She blamed what AP termed "an unspecified medical condition.
The flight carried on to its original destination, but without the gaseous passenger.
As if the incident alone weren't embarrassing enough, now it's all over the Internet and will no doubt pass into the immortal realm of urban legend.
The poor soul should order herself a pair of Gas-Eaters, a line of specialty undies from
Much more discreet than matches.
Oh honey, you shouldn't have!
Ah, but he did ..
. bought you a life-sized ocean liner for Christmas.
A little tricky to wrap, it won't be under the tree.
And you don't get to keep it. But you can play on it for a week or two at special Queen Mary 2 fares from Cunard.
In 2007, the ship will make six-day crossings between New York and Southampton from early spring to late fall, 10- and 12-day Mediterranean and Europe cruises, a 10-day Norwegian Odyssey and a variety of Caribbean sailings.
Cunard is also offering four-day getaways roundtrip from New York to the Bahamas on May 25 for Memorial Day and July 2 for Independence Day. There's also a four-day roundtrip from New York to Halifax sailing Aug. 31 for Labour Day.
For details, contact a travel agent, call 1-800-7-CUNARD or visit cunard.com.
If a voyage on the QM2 is out of the question for whatever reason, try living life on the high seas through the printed page.
Francis Kerr Young of Hamilton gives an intimate inside glimpse in his novel, Hang On A Second!, a murder mystery that takes place on board a magnificent fictional ocean liner called Queen of Dalriada (which may seem an odd name until you figure it out. Hint: Frank was just a young pup from a small Scottish town when he joined in the service of the original Queen Mary as an engineer.
) His wonderfully entertaining self-published novel is full of detail and description of Dickensian calibre, and populated by characters of the first order, but it needs some polishing up by a keen-eyed editor.
Still, it's a worthwhile story told by a word-loving poet who spent five years above and below decks on the Mary and generously shares his experiences in a fictional form.
If you can't figure out the title, drop in to Coles Burlington Mall today from 1 to 3 or Coles Jackson Square on Thursday, Dec.
14, from noon to 2 p.m. where Frank will be telling tales and signing books.
He'll be glad to explain and you'll love the Scottish burr.
He'll also have copies of his other books: Round About Christmas And Other Round About Stories; and The Legend Of The Mary Celeste And Other Poems, an amazing collection of poetry -- many with a maritime theme -- in epic, ballad, villanelle, limerick, sonnet, cinquain, ode, haiku, rondeau and all that other stuff you learned in high school English and promptly forgot.
You'll have to move quickly on this tempting deal.
Sunwing Airlines is promoting its Florida service by offering a 50 per cent discount on the price of a second air ticket with the purchase of every ticket sold. The price applies to flights originating in Florida and in Canada.
To get in on the special, bookings must be made by Dec.
17 and travel must be completed by Jan. 31. Which could put you in Florida over Christmas, New Year's or their aftermath.
Sunwing, which provides light inflight meals and entertainment at no extra cost, flies between Toronto and Orlando, Ft. Lauderdale and St. Pete's.
There are also flights from Montreal and Sudbury to Orlando.
